I understood pain and hurt (1)

September 21, 2012 Leave a comment

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I like the quotes that was written above… it is who I am today.

I had the privilege to listen to a dear friend out pour of the pain and hurt that had gone passed… The person asked me one question how come you can overlooked all the pain and hurt and laughed it off… I answered coz it is not worth dwelling upon it. There were many pains and hurts I had gone thru to be able to laugh it off and move on.

I decided to pin this down before I grow old and forgot all about them.

At a very young age, I understood pain and hurt from my own mother. Being uneducated and the youngest daughter, she didn’t have the means to read and know how to be a good mother. There is no one to guide her or teach her to nurture her own children. To add the matter worse she was the youngest in the family. She was doted and like a little princess she didn’t have to go through hardship  to obtain the things that she wanted. Everything was easily given to her, all she needed to do was asked.

Thus when she was match made to be married to my dad, she expected a comfortable life and didn’t need to worry about money. Dad made sure he was about to provide for the family… he worked extremely hard to make sure that she had a comfortable life and she did. Until I came into the picture.

Dad had to work even harder to provide for the future expenses. Save as much as he could, spend as little as he could to prepare for my arrival.

I didn’t  gave my mom a easy pregnancy, I was a difficult baby she had quite a bad 1st trimester could eat much. Dad had to travel distant and I mean distant cos Singapore wasn’t really developed then to get her the cravings that she had. Dad did all these to help ease her pregnancy.

When the day I was supposed to be born it was discovered that my head was in wrong position thus gyna had no choice but to do a C-section. She had a really had a difficult road of recovery. She felt helpless and clueless on how to take care of infant. Dad decided to engage a confinement lady to help her. I remember dad telling me that he had to rush home during his lunch hours to see if I was well taken care of.

Fast forward to few years later when I was slightly older maybe 3-4 years old. I always love toys, those tiny army soldiers, cars, tanks etc. I always wanted to get more coz they were so interesting and they came in different countries. I wanted them coz they are my only companions, I was the only child then I didn’t have a younger siblings that I could play with thus I would play by myself and entertain myself. I remembered every time I asked for a new toy I would without fail be beaten up quite badly in public. No explanation. No reason. Just straight away beaten up and dragged home… Till date the memory still hurts and pains me.

Dad would always surprised with those toys on the weekend… they were my prized processions.

I loved to display all my tiny soldiers and place them all over the living room in our 2rm rented flat in Toa Payoh. I would pretend that I was the chief commender and commended the troops to attack and destroy the enemies. Every time when I done playing with them I would love to sleep in the middle of all my tiny soldiers like they were my good friends to accompany me to sleep. Without fail I was either scolded or caned for not keeping my toys. No explanation no reason.

The beating continued so long as I am naughty or disobey or didn’t fall into the so called expectations of my mother. I hated the beatings. I grew more and more bitter against her I vowed one day I will be strong and defend myself against such beatings. As I grew older whatever I knew I was going to be beaten I would run straight away to snatch the cane before she could lay hands on it , I would hide and lock in my parent’s room for hours. She would coax me to come out and I initially thought I wouldn’t be beaten. I was wrong the beating continue. This go on for weeks and I knew there was no point of hiding since I would be beaten anyway. I figured that I should face the beating and whether it happens I would snatch the cane and break it and threw them away. It worked for awhile before she bought even more canes in case I decided to do that she would have backups.

In the end she gave up and decided to grab anything that she could lay her hands on brushes, brooms, small stools… I was physically abused by my own mother. There was this incident that the broom was broken after a few times of beatings. Wow my skin had became tougher… hahahaha.

Dad was always busy working hard that didn’t really know why I always got bruises and cane marked. He only knew I was naughty that why I was beaten up so badly. He trusted my mom.

The beating lessen after my sister was born. She was too busy taking care of her to be bothered with me.

Till this day it hurts really bad to recall those memories, even though I had tried to forgive her of her shortcomings. It stings very deeply in my heart.

I ever wonder why I was born to be abused by my mother… wouldn’t it be better if I wasn’t born in this world… If not for my dad’s love I would probably ran off somewhere and live by my own.

I always envy my friends’ moms that they took so good care of them. Had home cooked food. Had love showered upon them. I don’t remember have a decent cooked food. Most of the time, canned food or the same old food repeated again and again.

What a childhood… it made me stronger.

Thank you for being my mother still… I wasn’t a easy child to be taken care of anyway. You had a difficult time trying to bring me up as your 1st one.

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Categories: Dad, Life, Reflection, Uncategorized

My obligation to my country

September 19, 2012 Leave a comment

Every yr I will be back to serve my obligation to my country.

Like all previous years, I dread going back because there is nothing productive that comes out from it. I will be practically stand guard for 6 hrs waiting for time to pass.

Frankly speaking, I would rather they ask me to do some community works like bringing those rations that are excess and donate them to the old folks or orphans to save their operation cost. While we are there we can be interacting with the folks or playing/teaching those orphans that to me will be more meaningful and productive.

Though I dread tremendously on that, there is still something comes out of it. I took those empty to reflect & realign my goals.

2 more wks of freedom. 😊

Categories: Uncategorized

Back from hiatus

September 17, 2012 4 comments

Decide to come back to write my blog since i will be back to serve my nation obligation. There isn’t really anything that I have to do that is productive anyway so I might as well do my reflection and pinning down my thoughts.

The other reason why I am coming back to blogging is cos whatever I am writing on my fb is no longer safe. Pple tend to judge you more and I have to be careful on what I say or post.

Since most of the pple linked to my blog no longer blogs or read my post. I think this might be a better avenue for me to share my deepest thoughts, struggles & frustration. Though I know there is someone out there is reading it. Well I am not affected by the person. In fact I know the person pretty well that I am not afraid to let the person knows my deepest tots.

Will write more when I am free from my duties tmr.

Categories: Uncategorized

2012 resolutions

January 9, 2012 Leave a comment

I still believe in writing down my new year resolutions as it is a form of motivation and tracking for myself.

“Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.” – W. Clement Stone

Personal

  1. Read at least 5 books about Management
  2. Journal & Reflect my thoughts per week
  3. Be thankful for things whether good or bad
  4. Go for at least 1 mountain climb trip
  5. Write to my 3 kids from World Vision
  6. Plan to start a family 2nd half of 2012
  7. Join Toastmaster in the 2nd quarter of 2012

Spiritual

  1. Spend 30mins every morning on devotion
  2. Pray before I sleep using ACTS
  3. Keep a record of prayed answered by God
  4. Share the gospel to 5 individuals
  5. Attend church service regularly
  6. Ask for praying list from friends
  7. Join a CG

Health

  1. Run twice a week (5km)
  2. Train for my 21km
  3. Eat in moderation (1 day on fruit/juice diet to detox)
  4. Reduce my weight to 75kg (82kg now)
  5. Sleep before 12am
  6. Pick up golf after CNY

Work

  1. Serve 30 more families
  2. Pass my M8A & M9A
  3. Have 5 COF
  4. Write Will for 25 individuals
  5. Cross $100k income mark
  6. Recruit 5 new advisers
  7. Co-Employ a personal admin
Categories: Me, Reflection

2011 at a glance

January 3, 2012 Leave a comment

Looking back into 2011, there were alot of ups and downs… happiness, sadness, joy, disappointments. Nevertheless, it was a good year.

In January, I was away with my wife for our 1st anniversary in Vietnam. We had lotsa of fun there, enjoyed french cuisines at a fraction of the price we would have to pay in Europe. Have cheap local food and fell in love with the weather in Dalat. Had my 1st experience of being pick pocketed which left us with little to spend for the rest of the trip in Ho Chi Ming City. I’m still thankful that God protected us from harm.

In February, we couldn’t give ang baos cos it was advisable since Dad is not gone for 1 year so we couldn’t really celebration CNY. This was the 1st year, Dad wasn’t around anymore to cook for the whole Tan clan. I deeply missed him, his dishes, his presence in the kitchen. At the same time, discovered that my 2nd uncle’s health was falling.

In March, it was both joyful & sorrowful month, Jac’s shop was officially open on 12th Mar 2011. It was a tremendously happy occasion as she finally have a shop of her own to welcome her clients and work in. It was a milestone for her. On 24th Mar 2011 my closest 2nd uncle passed away from liver failure due to late stage cancer. It brought me down because he is my closest uncle & one of Dad’s closer brothers. When he was around he was one uncle that in his quiet manner shown his love to me. Doted me when I was young whenever I stayed at his place to play with my cousin. A man who had no temper and quiet… I will miss him deeply as I miss my own Dad.

In April, I was in hospital for health check up and was cleared with a clean bill of health cos I wanted to make sure I am still fit for my 21km run.

In May, went to Genting with some of my colleagues and had a wonderful time of fun and bonding. Did my 21km run after a good 10 years of not running for such long distance. Dad was gone for 1 year but I still can feel his presence & miss the late night tea session with him. I miss sharing my achievements & problems with him. I miss his wise insight on the situation.

In Jun, visited a colleague for her baby’s 1st mth and return to be in my greens which I dreaded because I got so much unfinished work to be done.

In July, I was still in my reservist till the middle of the month, it was the longest reservist 4 long weeks… I was sponsored to be on 2 courses which benefitted me much for my work and growth.

In August, was blessed with one of the industry veterans who personally mentored me. He trained and moved me into a new level of doing my work with even more pride and integrity. It was as though God gave me another fatherly figure whom I could looked up to.

In September, there were few incidents that I was contacted via FB to help to provide financial planning to help the various families who wanted unbiased advises for the families well being.

In October, went overseas twice. It was a break for my wife for her to reflect and recharge. God was good to us, Thailand was experiencing flood but we were not affected in any way. It was only when we came back then we realized the seriousness of the flooding in Thailand. Went to Penang with 2 brothers and befriended a few new friends there. They took the step of faith by starting up their own church with little funding and witnessed God’s miracles. The congregation grew through sports.

In November, hosted the family from Penang and was blessed by the family’s prayers. Had a simple celebration for my 34th birthday . Discovered that I was betrayed by a friend after knowing him for so many years. I totally lost my respect and trust for the person. It took me quite awhile to regain myself and stand up again to move on.

In December, I completed my 1st ever 42km marathon I finally achieved my personal goal of running a full marathon before I turn 35. Organized a successful Christmas lunch for my colleagues and everyone enjoyed and had fun. Wrote on the floating balls for NYE countdown our wishes for 2012. Celebrated NYE hunting the open display of elephants and watched one of the spectacular fireworks which lasts for a good 9-10mins.

Categories: Life, Reflection

Looking back at my 2011 resolutions

December 27, 2011 Leave a comment

It is the end of the year where I am taking a slow down to reflect on the things that I set myself to do… I am glad that I had achieved some where there are rooms of improvement for some.

Personal

  1. Read at least 10 books about Management – (Manage to read 2)
  2. Journal & Reflect my thoughts per week – (Pen down almost bi weekly)
  3. Be thankful for things whether good or bad – (Most of the time)
  4. Go for at least 1 mountain climb trip – (Nope, suppose to go but pull out last min coz of bad timing)
  5. Sponsor 1 more kid at the end of the yr – (Sponsored 3!!!)

Spiritual

  1. Spend 30mins every morning on devotion – (Some days my morning was on a rush, so I did it at night. By and large quite ok)
  2. Pray before I sleep using ACTS – (Prayed but hardly do using ACTS)
  3. Complete reading the bible using ESV – (Failed)
  4. Keep a record of prayed answered by God – (Here and there recorded them)
  5. Share the gospel to 5 individuals – (Done 2)

Health

  1. Run thrice a week, 5km – (2 times in the last quarter)
  2. Train for my 21km, 42km run – (Didn’t really train hard for it but manage to complete both 21km & 42km)
  3. Eat in moderation – (I still love hunting for yummy food) (Started doing that the last quarter coz of 42km)
  4. Reduce my weight to 75kg (85kg now!?!?!) – (Down to 82kg, got way more, More, MORE  room for improvement)
  5. Sleep before 12am – (Failed miserably)

Work

  1. Serve 50 more families – (Served 20 families)
  2. Obtain another professional qualifications – (AFP, CFP, etc) – (Not yet)
  3. Have 5 COF – (Have 1)
  4. Write Will for 25 individuals – (Written 5, quite a no pending)
  5. Help newer advisers to achieve their targets – (Encouraged a few)
Categories: Life, Reflection

A reflection of the past 3 mths

April 6, 2011 Leave a comment

The past 3 mths went off like a blink of an eye…

Jac opened her 1st shop as Love Droplets. my beloved 2nd uncle passed away, I fell really illness till my world almost come to an end.

As I reflect all the things that happened for the past 3mths… I can only give thanks that God saw me thru…

It was an exciting time when Love Droplets open its 1st shop… or rather had a home for all the customers to visit and get inspiration for the wedding.

My world almost crumpled down when I found out that my 2nd uncle suddenly walked his last journey… he was one of the closest uncles among my dad’s side. He was a quiet man whom I respect… in his own way he showed care and concern for me… I remembered when I was young he is always there to give me a pat when I am crying or sad. His departure left me lost… there will never be a time that I can call him anymore… a man I totally respect besides my dad.

I was down with a sever food poisoning that I thought the world was coming to an end. The toilet bowl was my companion for the last 36hrs… I puked and puked till I was so weak that I could only crawl back to bed to rest.

The 11th Mar massive earthquake that stuck Japan… many lives were lost… till date they are still trying to savage nuclear power plant from the radiation and meltdown…

Work wise many things had changed… I am getting more and more involvement with my branch. I am stepping up to foster team bonding and my personal production to another level. I will be helping to grow the existing team by looking out for potential candidates so that they can enjoy this rewarding career.

On a personal side, I am working harder so that I can paid off the $200k housing loan that I will be taking up most likely at the end of the yr. I pray and hope that I will earn enough money to clear the debt within 6-7 yrs. If possible 5yrs so that I can focus on my own retirement.

During this period, I also find myself having problems with self management as I consistently struggle to have time to do my own things like reading, going for a trip for climbing some mountains, taking up a new hobby, etc…

Even going to church become so irregular as I am just too tired by the time it comes to sunday… I want to go back to church to be nourish again. I miss going to worship and listening to sermon.

9 more mths before 2011 comes to an end… Jia you Raymond!

Categories: Uncategorized